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Best Friend(s)

Updated: Oct 25, 2022

We've all had friends, companions, relationships, significant others, colleagues, associates, allies, and many other people in our life. Have we all had a best friend though? Most would say they have. Most have had one, I haven't. I have had friends that were closer than others. People that I'd trust many times over others. I've never had that one person that was a true, soul to soul bonded, best friend. I've been close, but I didn't know how far I was until she showed me.

They say opposites attract. These two were opposites. If you had heard descriptions of their personalities they were the same person inside. However, upon seeing them, they couldn't be more drastically different. Longing for the deep connection and handle on life that the other gave them. On different polar positions, they could discuss endless topics all night. From memories, to dreams of what the future held and still holds, they had time to talk about it as long as that stupid thing called life wasn't in their way. Sleep was their worst enemy as they used their magazines loaded with memories to keep themselves wrapped in each other's arms of conversation. It was beautiful to listen to. It was stunning to see. It was something I didn't know existed until I'd seen it for myself. Having taken some drugs I always told myself I'd stay away from something this addicting until I was on my death bed. Probably be smart enough to avoid it then too, but there was something about the interactions they had that I was craving. I was dying for. I was appalled that I'd never seen anything quite like this, or maybe I had and couldn't recollect. Either way, it was new to me and I needed it. There was just one problem. I had to be open, I had to talk freely about myself and my past.

So far I've learned about other people's past and lied about mine. Not really lied, but shadowed the truth. Yes, I have had a lot of things that are "traumatizing", but all in different ways. While all is text book "trauma", not all can be shared with everybody. Not all can be shared with anybody I've known.

I keep mine hidden and it throws off the balance in most relationships. The foundation of most relationships is friendship. It destroys most friendships. I wanted to be able to talk freely. I did most of the time but we got to places where I cowered. Talking led to other things, unwarranted things. Talking led to openness. To heartfelt confessions, reasons behind our decisions, and confessions. These untraveled roads of talk terrified me. As soon as we'd get close to avoid judgment and deeper conversation, I'd often change it. I'd let something out about the headache I'd been covering up, I'd point something else out, or worst of all I'd make a childish joke. They were funny at the time if you didn't know me, but they were not funny if you knew what was going on. They were sad.

She was the closest thing I've ever had to one of these best friends of sorts, and I didn't know it until I couldn't feel any of the relationship left in my grasp. I don't think, or at least I hope, that It wasn't only her I could achieve this with. There were two others but those boys were a different caliber. They couldn't be shot from the same gun and none hit the mark of this definition of a best friend. They were at points, still are the best of my friends.

Hell, I hope one day without a relationship I can resume these talks with her and maybe get me where I figure I need(ed) to be. Maybe that isn't possible without our heads on the same pillow. If so, oh well. Maybe I'll find it with another. I've made it this far without getting there, and now at least I know what I'm looking for.

I don't think she'll ever be there again with me and I hope that doesn't me we can't resume the conversation I need to have. Because of her, I was closer to closure. Closure is an illusion according to some, some who haven't been able to close the window. I'm not, mine is closed but it's not as wide open as it once was. She was a window into my own life. She let me see things I couldn’t see until I had discussed them with her. The trouble is I didn’t get through half of the things I wanted to, two thirds I needed to. Either way, the window I was seeing through her point of view let me talk to myself more than I have in ages. I thirst for that kind of conversation again.

I thirst for the friendly banter and the debate digging the "why" out from under the dirt of humanity and our civilization on top. I thirst for good communication. Not just a good relay of information, but good communication. Good communication isn’t saying something that needs to be said, It’s listening to what they say so you know what needs to be said. Sometimes that's nothing. I didn't know a lot of things until she showed me. You don’t know what you don’t know until you know it. Now I'm looking for a best friend to show me all the rest. One like the one she had. The one that didn't think the most highly of me. The one I never was to her.

There are challenges and opportunities, no such thing as a problem. It's not a problem I've never talked to anyone about my life as a whole. It's not a problem reparations haven't been served to the fullest. It's not a problem nobody knows. It's not a problem nobody can help. It's not a problem I need. I need a best friend who even if they judge me it won't influence our friendship. I need someone who can talk with me about problems from a perspective of civil liberties and even play devils advocate when they know they're needed without asking. I need someone who influences me for the better. I need someone...

If the only way to influence behavior is through inspiration, motivation, and manipulation, then each breath breaths what you can do. Make it be towards what you should do. Make the world as close to the place we all can live freely as possible. Make it better with your best friend.

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